“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
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Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
notice
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.