The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
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me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.