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Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
This line from Airplane.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.