Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
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Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
uncle dave has been through hell
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.