I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
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Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.