My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
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cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.