Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
You Might Also Like
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
BRO LMFAO
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-