If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
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[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.