@MrPudmansButler

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

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@Piecezilla

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

@leechee420

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

@BlindChow

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

@Death_Buddy

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

@FunnyBison

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

@FatherWithTwins

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

@ozzyunc

I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”

@WilliamAder

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

@marcusthetoken

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.