You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
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Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
– What was high school like for you?
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.