Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
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(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
🤣🤣
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.