-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
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You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
the rocks need my help
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.