Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
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My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*