My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
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Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes