My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
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Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
And that about sums it up.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
6: are snakes just neck?
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.