[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
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Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste