Draw me like one of your French Fries.
You Might Also Like
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?