[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
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As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?