me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
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Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I love you…
…r dog.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!