*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
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When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.