*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
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My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.