Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
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Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.