This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
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I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
choose your gary
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Y’all ready for this
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.