What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
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All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Me :
All Day At Night
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
*cough*
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.