@abbygov

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

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@WheelTod

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

@Carbosly

WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.

– Snow globe, the story.

@Carbosly

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

@dril

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

@UnFitz

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

@noog

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

@KeetPotato

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]