when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
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I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
There is no try. There is only give up.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.