Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
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My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
i’m still crying at this
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Don’t snitch tag.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts