I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
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Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Velcrow
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.