squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
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Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
R.I.P.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Namaste
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.