My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
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The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I think about this a lot
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.