Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
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I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.