@danisbadatthis
@MomofTeen I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
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@MomofTeen 
@clichedout [watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
@SkinnerSteven Kidney stones? Hard pass
@clichedout WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
@RidiculousSheri I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
@inmybox07 My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
@The_Troy_Show Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
@cepheusjackson ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
@Angibangie 4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
@EllaZee5 imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now