I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
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[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Kidney stones? Hard pass
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now