@TragicAllyHere If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
@LuvPug *posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
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@TragicAllyHere 
@dumbbeezie This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
@Rollinintheseat [First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
@WilliamAder Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
@tinynietzsche doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
@sweet_toof I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
@AbbieEvansXO Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
@ilovecuredmeats So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
@MarfSalvador Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
@PrettiestPickle I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.