*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
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🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.