@LuvPug

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

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@TragicAllyHere

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

@Rollinintheseat

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

@WilliamAder

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

@sweet_toof

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

@ilovecuredmeats

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

@MarfSalvador

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*