me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
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Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.