Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
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Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…