Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
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Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.