Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
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Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?