Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
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I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
God, I love Scotland
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us