[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
You Might Also Like
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.