People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”