When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
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Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
A dad and his duck
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
relationship goals
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I have never related to a cat more
screw you
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.