When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

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[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?


To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.


A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”


Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.


A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants


Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.


I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.


Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.


I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.