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[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Breaking news:
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
When news reporters do sports stories
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love