Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
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I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?