i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
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Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
🤣🤣🤣
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name