[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
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It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Natty or not?
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
At least my masseuse has my back.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it