[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
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[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
PARKOUR
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
2 years later
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.