Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
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Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
That stupid look on my face, is my face
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.