ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
You Might Also Like
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now