I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
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Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
meow
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.