Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
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Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
peak technology
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun