the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
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Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On