Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
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ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.