The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
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Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Nice try, poison.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”