“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
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That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
When you don’t understand how floors work
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.