To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
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Well, my evening plans are ruined
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!